


i like the way you turn into a huge green rage monster

by whatsanaccounttoagod



Series: catching up [3]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Fluff and Crack, I love my boys, M/M, Polyamory, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 01:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16460657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod
Summary: Two science bros, chillin' in a hot tub, five feet apart because one of 'em can't get worked up or he turns into a giant green rage monster.ORBruce and Tony end up getting drunk and emotional one too many times.





	i like the way you turn into a huge green rage monster

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry you have to indulge in my tony/bruce awkward drunk love confessions but theyre fucking adorable
> 
> there's some stuff in here that could be interpreted as tony/peter and... no... he just thinks peter is an adorable child
> 
> tony/bruce isn't my immediate go-to ship (i definitely like my tony/pepper and tony/rhodey and i like them TOGETHER) but... my nerds... also giving my faves love?? yes
> 
> i cried like 4 times writing this because i want it to be cute and i cant do this justice can someone write this except Good Actually

Pepper walked Tony down the aisle as Bruce waited by the altar with Thor and Colonel Rhodes. None of them ever thought they'd see Tony in a full-out wedding dress, but somehow, he pulled it off. Besides, he rocked a mean eyeliner.

"If there are any objections to this wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace," the priest announced.

Neither groom could keep a straight face.

"Tony, what are we doing?" Bruce chuckled.

"I have no fucking clue, but I'm not objecting." Tony bit back laughter. "Let's get on with it, yeah?"

* * *

 

**1 YEAR EARLIER**

"Do you think Pepper would mind if I married you  _ just _ to co-adopt the kid?" Tony asked.

"She's put up with you this long. Do you really think getting  _ another _ husband would chase her away?" Bruce replied.

"It's not like we're gay or anything."

"Yeah, it's not like we put the 'pan' in 'panic.'"

"Just two bros chillin' in a hot tub."

* * *

 

**10 MONTHS EARLIER**

"Y'know, when I said I love the way'a turn int'a huge green rage monster, that was def'nitely me hittin' on ya," Tony slurred.

"Since when're you a cowboy?" Bruce murmured, probably less coherently than he thought.

"Since I got four bottles o' whiskey in me." The billionaire finished off the bottle. "Make it five."

"'S a miracle y'ain't died of alcohol pois'ning."

"Couldn't if I tried. Been drinkin' too long."

"How long?" the doctor asked, mostly out of curiousity.

"Uh… I'm 49, right? So that's, like, 45 years that I can remember."

"I think yer math's off. You'd've been four."

"You're right. Make that 47."

"Tooonnnyyyyy."

"Brrruuucccciie."

"How've ya been drinking since you were 2?"

"I'm trying to fig're out when the first time my dad gave me booze was. Think 's b'n since I could eat. Like… b'fore I 's 3. Then f'sh're. Definitely before then, too." He grinned. "How old're ya, Brucie?"

"With Other Guy time or without? 'Cause those are two very different numbers."

"Hmm." He snuggled in. "'M col'."

"Gee, I wonder why." Bruce downed a few more shots to get rid of the horrid  _ awareness _ buzzing at the edge of his mind. "Legally, I'm going on 100. Physically, I'd say I'm… 55? I dunno. Fuck radiation."

"If rayyy… If that's why you're younger, does't mean Pet'r's gonna be baby-faced f'rever?" Tony looked sad at the notion.

"What's wrong with that? He's cute."

"Too cute!" Tony tossed the bottle angrily across the room. "H've ya seen his puppy eyes? He could stop the Ch… Shit-or… Loki's alien robot army with a 'please' and a smile!"

He had a point. "Then we just hafta make sure he stays on our side," Bruce murmured.

"You're warm," the genius declared.

"I literally contain radiation."

"I'm cold."

Bruce pulled him closer. "If I kill you, I'll never forgive myself."

"Can't kill me. Too stubborn to die by any hand but my own."

"That's a bit concerning."

Tony's breathing slowed until Bruce thought he was asleep.

About an hour later, Pepper stormed in and crinkled her nose. "When Peter gets home, keep him out of the lab."

"Of course," FRIDAY responded.

That must have woken Tony up. His trembles resumed, and he curled in closer. "Cold," he whispered.

Bruce dared to glance up at Tony's annoyed/royally pissed fiance and murmured, "He was asleep."

"How much?"

"A few bottles. He doesn't have alcohol poisoning."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and sat next to the cuddle pile. "You okay, Tony?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"'S col'. Can't see past the snow. Can't breathe."

She looked at Bruce, panicked.

"I'm not aware enough for this," he told her.

"It appears Boss is having a panic attack," FRIDAY helped.

"From what?" Pepper asked.

"I don't know."

Bruce growled involuntarily. A quick beep pierced the background.

_ Nope. You stay there, big guy. _

_ Hulk sober. Banner not. _

_ I don't wanna be sober. _

"Nnnnooo, Brucie Bear." Tony sloppily patted Bruce's shoulder. "Don't leave."

It took him a moment to process the infernal beeping noise as his watch. "I'm right here, Tony."

* * *

 

**A FEW DAYS AFTER 10 MONTHS EARLIER**

"Two bros chillin' in a hot tub?" Bruce muttered as he and Tony were squished almost impossibly close to each other.

That's what you get when you get drunk off your ass right next to a trash compactor.

His watch beeped, but you know what? Fuck it. They weren't getting out of here without the big green dude.

"Two bros chillin' in a hot tub," Tony confirmed.

_ Your turn, _ he told the Other Guy. "Remember when you said you liked the way I turn into a huge green rage monster?"

"Yeah?"

"You're in for a treat."

The world faded away.

* * *

 

**9 MONTHS EARLIER**

Supposedly, alcohol dulled your senses, so why was everything suddenly so clear? Bruce's eyes were the exact shade of brown Peter's were, and they held the same sparkle, though it was dulled by experience. There was no doubt that at one point, the doctor was quite a handsome man. Actually, fuck that. He's handsome  _ now. _ Tony swore Bruce kept his wavy hair just long enough to make floofing it almost irresistible, but short enough to never lose its place.

God, he was  _ perfect. _

_ Shut up. I already have a husband and a fiance. _

_ Both of whom know I'm the farthest thing from exclusive to ever exist, _ the stupid, lovey part of Tony's mind added.

He opened his mouth to ask for a wrench. "You're cute," came out instead.

What the fuck, Tony?

"I mean, could you slide over that wrench?"

Of course, instead of sliding the wrench over, the equally drunk scientist blushed and held the wrench in the air nearby.

_ Am I drunk enough for this? _ Apparently, he was. He took the wrench and grinned. "Thanks, Brucie Bear."

"Why?"

"Hmm?"

"Why do you call me that?"

_ Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk HuLK HULK- _

"Ask me when I'm sober and can form a coherent thought."

* * *

 

**8 MONTHS EARLIER**

"James, I think I like Tony." Bruce buried his face in his hands. "God, why am I telling you this?"

"Probably because you're drunk," Rhodes supplied.

"Not helping."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Tony likes you too. He drunk-rambles about you the same way he drunk-rambles about Pepper and Peter and I."

"Really?"  _ Wow, who would've thought Tony would ever like someone like me? _

"Really." The colonel smiled and patted Bruce's shoulder. "Now, c'mon. To bed with you. Can't have Tony getting jealous, can we?"

* * *

 

**6 MONTHS EARLIER**

"I'm in lesbians with you," Tony muttered into the bottle.

"Same hat?" Bruce muttered into Tony's shoulder.

"Same hat."

Bruce hummed in satisfaction and let his eyes droop closed.

* * *

 

When Pepper found them, she couldn't help but take a picture. Maybe it was blackmail.

...Maybe it was just cute.

* * *

 

**1 MONTH EARLIER**

"Tony?"

"Bruce! I-"

"What-"

"How-"

They shut up for about three seconds before Bruce announced, "This never happened."

Of course, Pepper and Rhodey had to pop in at that very moment.

Both dumb gay nerds launched themselves off the bed. Unfortunately, both were so tangled in the sheets that they only succeeded in getting stuck worse.

"This isn't what it looks like," Tony half-screeched.

His partners just smiled.

* * *

 

"So what actually happened?"

"I have no idea. Last thing I remember, we were down in the lab, and then we weren't."

"Did we fall asleep?"

"...Oh, my God."

"What?"

"Peter was staying over."

"...He wouldn't."

"He absolutely would."

* * *

 

**2 DAYS EARLIER**

"Did I ever tell you  _ how _ Rhodey and I got married?" Tony murmured. God, he was gay. Utterly, completely, without-a-doubt gay for the wonderful man beside him.

"Nope. Tony, what are we doing?"

"Well, Rhodey and Happy and I were all drunk off our asses, right? And I don't even fucking remember this night. That's how drunk I was, at least. Rhodey says we decided since we were already in the first country to legalize gay marriage, we might as well. So on the spot, we hire a priest, make Happy our witness, and get married because why the fuck not. Worst case scenario, we also get to be the first gay Dutch divorce. Except I forgot, and Happy forgot. Rhodey declined to tell me for, like, 20 years, and then one of the old Avengers dug up our marriage certificate. I forget who. I'm like 'What?' and he's like 'Shit, I thought that was a dream,' and then we decided to stay married because it wasn't like we were dating or anything, you know? I make many bad decisions drunk, but marrying Rhodey wasn't one of them."

"Where are you taking this?"

"Basically, I like you. Like, like-like you. And I absolutely want a drunk-off-our-asses gay marriage that we'll forget the next day and remember 20 years later and decide we don't actually mind."

"Why do we always have these conversations when we're drunk? Never make life-changing decisions when you're drunk."

"I like you when I'm sober, too. I'm just not drunk enough to say it."

"God dammit, Tony."

* * *

 

**TODAY**

"I now pronounce you man and…" The priest hesitated. "Husband."

They didn't miss how he looked away as they kissed.

"Why did you wear a dress?" Bruce asked when they finally pulled apart.

"I'm not passing up any opportunity to make the church uncomfortable." Tony grinned and gently kissed him again. "That, and I love being three inches taller than everyone else without them knowing how."

* * *

 

**THE NEXT DAY**

"Tony, do you remember anything that happened yesterday?" Bruce stared at the offending sheet of paper.

"Nope. All I have is this pounding headache."

He shoved the marriage certificate under the bed. "Ha. Yeah. Me too."

_ He wasn't kidding when he said "forget the next day." _

"Brucie Bear, why did Pepper leave her heels by my bed?" Tony paused. "Why is there a picture of me in a wedding dress?"

Apparently, 20 years later was happening now. "So you might have made it your personal mission to make the church as uncomfortable as possible?"

"...We didn't." He shook his head. "Tell me we didn't  _ actually- _ "

"Happy honeymoon?"

"Bruuuuce."

"Love you, Tony."

"...Love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> why am i like this
> 
> alcohol bad you know the schpiel but also i know i cant stop yall from drinking so like. just dont do dumb shit while drunk. drink responsibly. yeah. stay safe.
> 
> if you want you can [scream at me on my tumblr: whatsanaccounttoagod](whatsanaccounttoagod.tumblr.com)


End file.
